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"Expect the Unexpected:" A Mother's Story of Breast Cancer
October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004, I could not have begun to predict how my three children would respond. I was barely able to digest all I would have to endure, and had I been forced to make a prediction about the personality of each child and how they would behave in the coming months, I would have failed that test.
Betsy had just turned 13, Mary was only weeks from turning 12, and Eddy had just celebrated his 10th birthday. I promised them I would always be honest and told them we would “kick breast cancer’s ass” together. I allowed -- encouraged -- them to use this irreverent little phrase at any and all times. The first time that one of the elderly women at our church cornered my kids when she thought I was out of earshot and whispered gloomily, “How’s your mother?” my son responded (way too enthusiastically), “Oh, our Mom is kicking breast cancer’s ass!” I remember thinking to myself, “Swell. Well at least he was smiling when he said it, and if it makes him feel good....”
Expect the unexpected.
When I “invited” my children to assist me with the post-surgical drain popping out of my chest in the days following my initial surgery to determine lymph node involvement, they reacted exactly the way I expected them to: Betsy smiled sweetly with her big wet blue eyes and said, “Of course, Mommy, I’ll help you.” Mary looked at me, horrified, then put up her two fingers to make a cross as if warding off a vampire, screwed up her face and screeched, “Oh, gross, don’t show me that, no way, not me!” Eddy stared blankly at me with his green eyes from under his freshly shorn crew cut and simply said, “Huh?”
Betsy was the do-gooder eldest, Mary, the outspoken second daughter, and Eddy, my checked out son. But guess what? Their initial reactions – and my expectation of each -- did not reflect how things played out.
I would never have predicted it, but Mary eagerly became my nursemaid – reminding me at the appointed hour to follow her to the bathroom where she measured the fluid, documented it in the chart the doctor had given me, and cleaned and flushed the drain. I didn’t even want to look at this paraphernalia, and here was this twelve year old who had told me in no uncertain terms that she would NOT be helping me in this department, taking care of me as well as, if not better than, an adult – and willingly. Lovingly.
Expect the unexpected.
My kids came with me to pick out my wigs. I purchased two, one just like my hair pre-chemo, another long and straight, similar to my daughters’ hair. They giggled and the girls loved the thought of us looking alike. But by late afternoon, Betsy’s bravado and enthusiasm had abruptly worn off, and suddenly her face seemed to crack into ten different pieces as she fell into deep sobs. All the fun from wig shopping vanished in an instant. It had been too much for her.
Expect the unexpected.
I didn’t fight my own feelings, and I encouraged them to explore their own, as well. I told them repeatedly there were no rules when it came to how they felt and what they needed – whatever they were, the feelings and the needs, they were real, and no matter what, I supported and loved them.
There is no fighting the emotional riptide that comes with a diagnosis of breast cancer. The minute you surrender yourself to it, it actually becomes, dare I say, easier. Having no expectations – or expecting the unexpected -- allows you to live in the moment. Like a riptide, in order to survive it, you must swim with it, not against it.
My children and I were never ready for my diagnosis. What they were ready for was the evolution of themselves – into stronger, more resilient and ready-for-the-unexpected individuals. I never expected that.
Did I give them this gift? I would like to say, “Oh, yes, of course, it’s all about the incredible mothering I’ve done…,” but that would be quite a stretch. It’s actually all about letting them transform when they need to into the people they need to be.
Incredible mothering means encouraging, supporting and loving your children during this transformation.
Expect the unexpected, you incredible mother, you!
Mary Ann Wasil Nilan is a mother to three teens, a breast cancer kickin’ survivor & health activist, and the executive director & founder of The Get In Touch Foundation.
You Can Change the World: How to Get Started
- Architects of Change
In the 13 years I spent starting and leading the Gates Foundation, I saw hundreds of enormous problems – some right here at home in Seattle and Los Angeles, and some far away in Bangalore, in Botswana, and in countless communities around the world.
The pain and devastation left by AIDS, poverty, poor education, unequal rights, tyrannical or unrepresentative government and other maladies was easy to identify. But harder to put a finger on was…”Why?” Why did these big problems still exist? Why wasn’t more being done to solve them?
In thousands of hours of listening and learning I came to believe that the biggest problem wasn’t severe poverty or disease. No, the biggest problem was our failure, individually—you, me, our neighbors—to take seriously our shared responsibility to act, today, to change the problems we see.
You can’t change everything. I can’t change everything. Even Bill Gates can’t change everything. But that is no reason to allow ourselves the luxury of inaction.
We do care. So why don’t we act? I think the answer is simple: We either don’t know where to start, or we don’t believe that what we can do – as one person or even as a small group – can really make a difference.
The truth is, each of us can make a huge difference. Probably one of the best parts of working in philanthropy was the opportunity to see how one person could make a lasting impact on the world from the ground up.
Paul Farmer, an American doctor and anthropologist, co-founded Partners in Health, an organization that delivers life saving medicines to the poor in Haiti. Paul combined his heart for the poor with his medical training to create a new avenue of hope. His work has now grown to include programs in Peru, Russia, and parts of Africa.
Paul’s work has translated into millions of lives saved. But no less heroic is the commitment of the individual grandmother who walks miles in India with her grandchildren to make sure they are vaccinated to help stop the cycle of disease in her family.
Here’s another example from the Northwest: Back in the mid-90s Trish Millines Dziko and Jill Hull Dziko were walking their dogs around Lake Washington when they realized they both shared an interest in helping kids of color in their neighborhood. Jill focused her energy on education, and Trish was passionate about introducing more kids to technology. Their shared interests eventually led them to create Technology Access Foundation, which today provides a mix of afterschool and middle through high school programs for thousands of minority students around Seattle.
These individuals have little in common except one important shared trait: Each understood that they had to start – somewhere – with what they had to make a difference.
So I want to share some of the things I learned from them with you. Because when I first wanted to make my own contribution, I didn’t know where to start, either. But they and thousands like them showed me the way. I often encourage my friends with the words of one of the greatest teachers of all, Mahatma Gandhi: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
If we want to change the world, we have to start with ourselves.
Starting with ourselves means doing some self inventory. Here’s a way to begin – analyze and answer three questions:
- What do I value most? (Whether education, universal health care, or something else.)
- What is the gap between today’s reality and the value I hold most dear – and why?
- What issue can I work on that could be the “bridge” between the world we have and the world I want?
Next, think carefully about how you can use your money, time and voice to make an impact on this issue.
- How can I use my money on this issue? Consider a range of options – personal giving is certainly part of it, but so are our spending habits, the companies we choose to support, or harnessing our entrepreneurial skills for others.
- How can I use my time on this issue? Is there an hour or two in your week that could benefit others? What about how we spend our time learning or reading? Is there a way to design a vacation that has both pleasure and purpose?
- How can I use my voice on this issue? This is perhaps our most valuable asset, and yet we often neglect its power. How can our voice impact our family, our friends, groups, how our media covers an issue? What about our vote?
The biggest problem in the world is that we – you, me, our neighbors, our coworkers – don’t make full use of what we have to help others. We have what we need to build the world we want. But we’re wasting it. That's the biggest problem in the world. How do we solve it?
We solve it by beginning.
Now start doing it.
“I slept and dreamt that life was joy
I woke and saw that life was duty
I acted – and behold – duty was joy.”
Rabindranath Tagore
Patty Stonesifer is the former CEO of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. She now serves as a senior advisor to the foundation and is the chair of the Board of Regents for the Smithsonian Institution.
Why Do Women Volunteer?
- Architects of Change
As of this year, September 11th will be recognized as National Day of Service and Remembrance. In this post, Astrid Sheil examines what motivates her -- and women in general -- to volunteer and "pass it on."
“You’re doing what? Are you crazy?” That was the response I got last week when I mentioned to a colleague of mine at Cal State University that I had volunteered for The Women’s Conference in October. She looked at me incredulously and said with a less than subtle hint of sarcasm in her voice, “You?? You -- who are writing a textbook and complaining about how far behind you are in producing chapters?? You -- who have consulting projects stacked to the ceiling? You -- a single mother of two kids?”
The truth is, I could not not volunteer. This got me thinking -- why do women volunteer? (I was going to say why do busy women volunteer, but then I realized, that’s redundant -- all women are busy!)
I had a few unformed ideas, but I decided to use a lifeline first and call my psychologist friend, Dr. Val Hannemann, in Flagstaff, Arizona.
“Val!” I caught her out of breath, as usual. She was hauling hay to feed her four horses. “Hey, I have a serious question for you -- why do women volunteer?” She took a few gulps of air, leaned against her fence, and replied, “Oh, there are as many reasons as there are horse flies on a salt lick.” There’s a charming analogy, I thought.
Val continued. “Women volunteer to make social contacts and expand their sense of community.” I liked that concept -- expanding their sense of community.
Val rambled on. “Women like to hang with other women who have similar interests. So for example, if you have a passion for scrapbooking and you can volunteer at a scrapbooking convention, you’re going to feel like a pig in --” “Mud?” I replied quickly and then asked, “What are some other reasons?”
I could hear Val reaching into the recesses of her Jungian-trained brain. She said, “Women are hard-wired to be engaged in their communities. Volunteering connects women. They share, they compare, and they adopt new strategies to make a difference in the world -- their world.” This certainly explains why The Women’s Conference is growing exponentially. Women from all strata and walks of life are coming to this year’s conference to share, compare, and adopt new strategies on how to be -- as First Lady, Maria Shriver describes it -- “Architects of Change” in their own lives and in the lives of others.
Thanking her profusely and wishing her the best with her hay bales and salt licks, I then called my 80-year-old Puerto Rican mother in Miami. “Mom!” I said, “I’m writing a blog for The Women’s Conference and I want your perspective of why women volunteer.” There was a long pause and then she said, “Hija, why are you riding a frog?”
“No, mom, not a frog—a blog…and I’m not riding it, I’m writing it!!” I shouted into the cell phone. Carrumba!
Once I got mom past the blog part (which took way longer than I care to disclose), her answer to why women volunteer was simple and sweet: “We volunteer because we get back more than we give.” And then she added the kicker: “You feel better about everything because you are part of something bigger than yourself.”
Last year, I watched the streaming video online from my office in San Bernardino. (The Women’s Conference provides a webcast of the events for women who aren’t able to be there in-person.) I saw thousands of women listening to Governor Schwarzenegger and Chris Matthews wax rhapsodic about their wives. Even through my 13-inch monitor, I could feel the energy of the crowd, and I was mesmerized. There was no doubt that I would attend this year, but then something came over me when I visited the website -- and without hesitation, I signed up to be a volunteer. I have never felt better about any decision I have ever made.
The momentum is already starting to build and I can’t wait for the conference to begin. Look for me down on the floor of the main hall. I’ll be the 6 foot tall blonde Puerto Rican helping to turn up the wattage of possibilities for all women, who like my mother and myself, want to be part of something bigger than ourselves.
If you want to volunteer in your community, visit www.serve.gov to find out about opportunities.
For those of you who can’t attend The Women's Conference this year, join us online by visiting our homepage on October 26th and 27th.
Astrid Sheil, Ph.D. is an assistant professor of communications studies at Cal State University San Bernardino. Originally from Washington, DC, she graduated from Georgetown University. She will be covering the The Women's Conference in October.
Women Entrepreneurs: The Key to Global Economic Development
- Architects of Change
When I began writing about women entrepreneurs in post-conflict countries with a trip to Rwanda in 2005, no one thought there was a story. I tried to mine government workers and international agency officials on the ground for interview ideas, only to be told that there were not enough small businesswomen in the country to make my trip worthwhile.
They were wrong.
What I found in Rwanda, and later in Bosnia and Afghanistan, was a small but growing group of female entrepreneurs building the kinds of businesses that stimulate economies and put people to work. I met a group of women weavers in Rwanda selling their baskets to Macy’s, and I visited a textile company near the former front lines of Sarajevo employing more than two dozen women. With little fanfare and even less support, these women were marshaling resources to run the enterprises so critical to supporting families and to lifting their countries out of poverty.
In speaking with these businesswomen about the opportunities and the challenges presented by their work, I realized the importance of supporting women entrepreneurs in post-conflict countries.
Why is it so important to support them?
- Conflict leaves many women at the helm of their households for the first time. As breadwinners, they must find a way to support themselves and their children on their own. Entrepreneurship is one way to accomplish this.
- Reaching women means reaching children. With more income, women are likely to ensure that girls, as well as boys, receive an education. Education is the surest way to lift a country out of poverty over the long-term. By educating both sexes, the positive impact of education is that much greater.
There are many reasons to support women’s economic empowerment, but it is easier to envision than to implement. And while many organizations try to support women’s initiatives, few succeed. This comes in part from an aid system focused on short-term results rather than long-term investment.
What women entrepreneurs need most is
- Access to information. Women are often not connected to the business networks through which information flows and contacts and connections are shared. When women find a way to share their know-how and their skills, their businesses benefit.
- Access to markets. Finding markets for the goods women produce is a challenge, particularly in landlocked and remote countries such as Rwanda and Afghanistan, where shipping costs can far outweigh potential profits. Connecting women entrepreneurs with interested customers provides a long-term boost to the women’s businesses, with the possibility of creating long-term sustainability.
- Access to capital. Finding the dollars needed to grow their businesses is difficult for many women entrepreneurs, most of whom have little in terms of collateral or a prior track record of business achievement, both of which are critical parts of securing a bank loan. Tools such as loan guarantees and women-focused financial products can help women get around the barriers presented by a lack of available investment capital. Microfinance is another excellent first step for many, with microloans providing the funds to get a small venture started. The challenge, however, comes when the business succeeds and the necessary investment amounts grow larger; here in this “missing middle” there are few tools to help women make the transition from micro-enterprise to full-fledged small business.
What is certain is that women entrepreneurs are playing a vital role in rebuilding their countries and are poised to contribute even more. Already, with little assistance and often limited resources, women entrepreneurs from Rwanda to Bosnia to Afghanistan are doing their part for their nation’s economic reconstruction. Their work creates jobs and spurs growth, and it is part of helping their nations reap the benefits of the talent and potential of all -- not just half -- of their citizens.
Recent news coverage of women entrepreneurs in underdeveloped countries:
- Gayle Tzemach Lemmon for The New York Times: “Extending the Horizon for Woman's Aid Projects in Afghanistan”
- Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn for The New York Times Magazine: “The Women’s Crusade”
- Scott Kraft for the Los Angeles Times: “In Sierra Leone, A 'Women's Project, for Women'”
Gayle Tzemach Lemmon is a former ABC News producer who began writing about women's entrepreneurship during her second year of MBA study at Harvard. She currently is working on a book to be published by HarperCollins in 2010 about a young entrepreneur who supported her family and her community during the Taliban years.
